Fighting with God

For the past year or so, I’ve been fighting with God, over politics and what I was taught.   I’m horrified with the world and the United States mostly,  because our politics have become a circus.  Circus’s are suppose to be fun, not hated.  The GOP  has taken a Country and State I’m suppose to love and be patriotic about and turned it into a place I hate. Religion or their so called Religion which they identify as Christian ( and their denomination etc… ) I no longer want to be called a Christian  I don’t want anything to do with Christianity because the GOP has spewed hate using Christianity to do so.    Apparently they have never read the New Testament,  Jesus was liberal.  He helped the homeless, he healed the sick, he would be identified as Democrat in today’s political parties.  Jesus taught us not to judge and to forgive.  Yet this isn’t in GOP’s religion.   So, since they want to identify as Christian  I want nothing to do with this.   I know they are wrong,  but  I have come to hate the word  Christian and Church.   The United States is Babylon   and Rome all in one. Greedy, hateful.  The Constitution should  be  changed to We The Corporations, under our god.   We’re not a people and they don’t have the same God I grew up learning about and loving.   How could it come to this that a political party makes me hate something I’m suppose to love, and at one time agreed to die for, when I enlisted into the military. 

Their god and what they spew at us, is that  women need to be barefoot in the kitchen always pregnant.   Women should have no say in what they do to their  bodies  to prevent pregnancy,  or if a pregnancy occurs and they  do not want it.    I don’t agree with abortions, myself and I would never get one myself, but our Government, and men especially men should not dictate what we can or can not do to our bodies. Granted in some cases abortion is the right thing to do.  This is why I’m pro – choice.  Plus it is better to have a medical Dr. perform an abortion  instead of some idiot in an ally with a coat hanger.   Their god  is used against equal rights towards the LGBT community.  If you’re gay you’re not allowed to be happy, and married and reap those benefits.   There is no reason that it shouldn’t be allowed.   Gay couples seem to have a long term monogamous non cheating relationships with each other than most polictians   including our former Presidents of the United States. (of both parties)  This is my external forces to my fight with God. 

The internal fight is, on a more personal level.  What has he done for me?   I am not the happiest person around,  I suffer from depression, and anxiety.   I’ve been pregnant 2x and each time I’ve lost the pregnancy to a miscarriage.  Yet people who should never breed are able to have a pregnancy to term and a healthy baby.  ( that doesn’t mean they will grow up happy or in good hands)   I fight each day, with religion.  I’m a good person,  why does bad things keep happening to me. Why am I and friends of mine always seem to be Job?   I’ve stopped praying for relief, or solace or just about anything to help me get through each day.   Instead I turn to cursing God for making each day a living hell.  It has been like that most of my life, but now at 32 I no longer find him loving, forgiving and a helpful lord. I find him petty, hateful and nothing I was taught growing up about him.    This hurts me that I feel this way, because I am not sure I can still believe in someone that I hate.  I hate what he has allowed this world to come to, how my life has been and turns out.   religious leaders piss me off, polictians piss me off when they spew how 
(their ) god  this and that, and that gay marriage is an abomination and men know what is best for women body.  How god condones abortion but it is ok for us to kill those who kill babies.   Yet Thou shall not kill is a law in the bible and it’s law of the land.    I’m rambling again and repeating.  Back to my internal fight. I fight with thinking I’ll go to heaven.  If I believe I’ll go to heaven and people I think shouldn’t be going to heaven think they will, I sure the hell don’t want to be in heaven with them, it was bad enough I had to be on the earth with them first.   I feel more peace with knowing I’ll cease to exist and that my body will be either ashes or compost.   If I’m to be buried I want it to be as green as possible and  no marker except maybe a cool gps marker that you can only find with a gps.   Do I believe in God?  I use to think I did.  I have my doubts.  I rather like to think that something happened and here we are divine force, nature?   Aliens seem more realistic at this point in my life.   Maybe God is an alien  I don’t know but I’m no longer going to burden myself with wanting to know.  I’ll live my life the best that I can and not spread hate but love, and equality.  Since (their) god is the opposite and they identify themselves as Christian. I will no longer identify myself as Christian but someone who is open to possibilities.    

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